English is a stupid language

One of the things that makes me an unusual English teacher is that my educational background is not in English literature. As a matter of fact, I hated studying literature. I loved to read, but I had no interest in dissecting the nuances of every poem and debating the historical and social relevance of stories. Shakespeare had some fantastic ideas, and I am glad my schooling exposed me to his work, but let me just enjoy Hamlet without wondering what sorts of psychological disorders may have afflicted Ophelia.

I have diverged from my point, however, so allow me to return to it. In college, I studied linguistics—the study of language. When I tell people this, the most common response (aside from “What’s that?”) is “How many languages do you speak?” And then I sigh. You see, linguistics isn’t about learning many languages, although many linguists do go on to learn numerous languages. Rather, it is about studying beneath the surface of language to understand how it is formed and how it fits together. I structured my course of study on the English language.

After learning English syntax (how sentences are formed) and morphology (how words are formed), after studying semantics (meaning encoded in words) and pragmatics (meaning formed by social context), after taking courses in the ways language affects and is affected by society and culture, after reading about the history of the English language, I have come to one conclusion: English is a stupid language. English has dozens of spelling and pronunciation rules that apply to less than half of the words we use. English has grammatical rules that exist for no apparent reason. English has many words with multiple, often conflicting meanings. It is a stupid language.

The first lecture I give to class is on exactly why English is a stupid language. There are two major advantages to starting the class with this idea. First, it helps me connect to the students. I boldly state that English is stupid, which sets the tone of the class as full of information but in a lighthearted manner. I am not the serious, stodgy professor who thinks students are deficient because they don’t know how to spell or how to identify a preposition. Second, it gives an excellent foundation to rest upon in the class. If my students have an understanding of where English is coming from, they will have a better understanding of how and why English grammar works the way it does. It’s been a great help to be able to repeat in class “English is a stupid language.”

The lecture consists of a discussion of how English came to be. It is a very long story, of course, but a few bullet points tell the basics. Germanic tribes (the Anglos and the Saxons) were settling what is now known as the United Kingdom and speaking a language that is a common ancestor to English and German; thus, English is referred to as a Germanic language. This developed into Old English—the language Beowulf is written in. Presumably, this worked pretty well for a while.

Then the Normans invaded. The Normans were from Normandy, which later became France, and therefore spoke a precursor to French. Invaders—successful invaders—hold the power in the society they have invaded. Thus, the high society in the British Isles spoke French. As the society progressed, and the powerful needed to communicate with the powerless, a new language (Middle English) was born. This is much of the reason that we have several words for the same thing: sweat (from German) and perspire (from French). Consider that the more proper-sounding term is the French option. Classism at work via language. (“Why Can’t The English” from My Fair Lady)

Some time later, scholars decided that there needed to be a single set of standards for English speakers to follow, especially as it became more commonly used for academia and the church—the common folk were more likely to attend Mass if it was presented in their native language rather than Latin, you see. As Latin was seen as the most noble of languages, these scholars decided to make English follow the rules of Latin grammar. This led to a number of rules that don’t work well in English, such as the prohibitions against splitting an infinitive and ending a sentence with a preposition.

What this means is that English is the confused child of German and French using Latin grammar. In addition, English is becoming a universal global language. Since English is the de facto language of the Internet (we did sort of invent the thing, after all), it has become necessary for the language to adopt words and phrases to describe things English did not have terms for. We have borrowed many terms from many different languages, which has led to quite a few spelling disasters.

I explore this with my students to give them a taste of why English is such a stupid language. From this, I begin to explore the nuances of English structure—giving them much more explanation for why English is structured the way it is than they would receive in other classes—and have a reason that seemingly arbitrary rules exist: because English is stupid.